"Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.."- Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Mess

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If I would have to tell you who I am now, I don’t from know where I would start. I was probably swinging too much between the light and the darkness, the good and the bad in me.

Long time ago I loved you. It was the time when all was beautiful and open and real and honest in every way.

Then things changed. A time came when I saw how you were looking at other women, how you were playing me, how you were inventing excuses just to gain time. But I still loved you. I was giving you my time and energy while you were leaning back. I was imagining our life together paddling on my own.

I did love you but then I hated you. Every time when you let me down. Every time when I felt forgotten and unloved. Every time when you rejected me or didn’t see me , every time when I suffered because others around had the happiness you have never bothered to make happen for us, you and me. I will always remember how I hungered for your embrace, but it never came. For a phone call from you, but the phone never rang. How you took me for granted, how I became a mess.

I did love you and then I hated you. And then it didn’t matter anymore. And that day all was over.

If I would have to tell you who I am now, I don’t know from where I would start.
I am no longer light, I am no longer darkness. I am the quiet above. I don’t need you anymore, I’m fine without you. I was a mess, I confess. And now I am only the dream of a love that should finally be meant to simply be.

———————————————————————————————————-

300 words, memyselfandela, November 2013

5 responses

  1. Beautiful Ella. Just beautiful. It’s sad to be devoid of things we love, but when they don’t love back, the void simply grows.
    ~~~~Felicia

    November 29, 2013 at 03:35

  2. my ex-wife and me were together for 9 years, but we left each other, and I have no answer for this, my ex-gf and me, 5 years, then we left each other, I have no answer for this. There are all sorts of reasons lead to the departing of lovers that we will never understand, but one thing I strongly believe is, no one can take my happiness away, and I am always the happiness itself. I am happy like yesterday, am happy today, and will always be happy tomorrow.

    kc

    November 29, 2013 at 05:42

  3. Vandana

    Ela, do you understand that all this poesy is because you went through the dark… We all have been there … in that gnawing void, but that void was essential – to create what you are today. You don’t hate the person you once loved; you outgrow that love, to make room for another love – be it for/of a person, or of poetry… We seem to fail every time; only to realize later that there was no success or failure to begin with. We are all just passing through🙂

    January 8, 2014 at 11:58

    • As I am not mine
      and my time here belongs not to me
      I become what He wants me to be
      I bloom in whatever form he requires
      I love love and I am love
      I give love and I thirst for love
      every day a step in my endless passage
      from a life to another.🙂

      January 8, 2014 at 12:45

    • I may contradict you here. We do fail sometimes. Yes, beauty can grow out of pain, Light can emerge out of darkness. Yes, we need agony to grow inside, but we need love too.
      Nothing belongs to us but our moments of truth. Truth of the heart, truth of the mind, truth of the soul.
      The moment when two people look in each other’s eyes and can love each other or betray each other. Not being authentic and real in such moments is a failure. Not being truthful to yourself and the one that is one with you is a failure. Yes, all is flow. But such moments mark an existence. They can be steps towards a greater reality or nails in our coffin.

      January 8, 2014 at 13:06

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