My dear friends, I am blogging already for 2 years now.
What an intensive experience it was, what a great experience I see ahead.
I thank each and every one of you for stopping by in my humble universe.
Love and Light to you all,
close your yes
so that we don’t lose any atom of us
l hide you in me
leave out all the rest
keep on pulsating my love
inside of our heart
33 words, memyselfandela, 2012
Silence is golden.
Stop and look around
You are alive, be grateful
You are beautiful, be aware
You are LIFE itself.
Anger? Hate? What would be the perfect word to carve into my arm? What do I allocate this tender, fleshy space between my elbow and my wrist to? Ah, no, don’t tell me. I should tattoo that I have been looking for you a lifetime and that I will never give up on the hope to finally find you. I have looked for you a lifetime? No, this is no place for lamentations… Love? Peace and Light? No, I should tattoo that I love you, that I love your feet and your heart. Your big feet. And that I live for those moments when all I want to hear is my little breath next to the amazing sound of your thumping heartbeat.
Memories of a madman float in the void space around, yet the heart knows no fear. Tomorrow? Tomorrow is now. I am tired to wait for an indefinite time when maybe something will happen. No, I feel and I love and I care and I suffer and I breathe and I hope and I dream. I can touch tomorrow with the tips of my fingers and embrace it as it comes, in the making. I am no longer waiting for a life, here I am, I AM the LIFE!
I had to sigh a million times till I could finally start to breathe… Breathe with my heart and soul, with my being, not only with my feeble lungs… LIVE , not only biologically pathetically exist… Embrace my fiery real feelings, not only humbly get crushed underneath their intensity… And what I found out in the end is that in a lifetime we may break and fall a million times,again and again, but baby, one day, after all this crush and falling, we can finally rise and fly.
In the white silence
In the trembling kiss on the corner of your lips
In the smiling look in your eyes
In the sound of speaking your name
There I am,
33 words, memyselfandela February 2014
Last night I loved you, Love.
My heart still beating, we were still alive.
No oblivion had yet stained the look in your eyes
And your heart was the spark igniting the blaze in my hollow heart.
I knew tomorrow will mean nothing for you, yet last night I loved you, Love,
With all the passion that fueled my veins.
In the night I could not sleep as I could feel that our time is short
And I was scared not to lose any moment with you.
Last night I loved you, Love.
If you desert me don’t forget to kill my fire.
I am the shadow inside and the one behind the moon
Trying to live with passion as I feel that life can end soon.
I am my lover’s lover and the fire within the fire
Looking for answers and paths that go beyond any desire.
I am the lunatic that spins thoughts in the sleepless night
Fallen and broken but always ready for my final flight.
memyselfandela, November 2013
Carnations. Red bloody curly petals all over the cold hard floor. Pain filling up her aching soul, an acute sense of bloody uselessness, her life breaking to hopeless pieces, dead flowers covering the ground, remembering her of a love that used to mean everything but that has become nothing. She felt no longer his presence, no longer his loving words, no longer his loving touch, she felt abandoned like a piece of unwanted trash, rejected like a broken mechanism that could no longer tick with sounds of life once known. All left was only the disfigured shadow of the man she loves.
Pain. A way out she prayed to see again. No idea how tomorrow would look like. Not the vaguest strength to carry on with this tragedy. Him, laying sleeping drunk on the floor, holding still in his fists the rest of the carnations brought to tell her what he didn’t know how to verbalize anymore, him all surrounded by the rest of the bleeding shreds scattered allover by her in an attack of passionate rage ignited by seeing him coming again in a state that never stopped to humiliate her in front of family, neighbors, strangers.
She, in a corner, crying, endlessly cursing her own life and wishing she would have never been born or no longer been alive. He, in another corner, sleeping, seeing in his dream her beautiful face, radiant with the love she used to give him, as he caressed gently her cheek, feeling so bloody guilty but so in love with her while kissing her forehead, this awesome woman that could no longer see how much he bloody loves her, how much he is depressed because of not knowing how to turn back the time and start it all over again. With her. From scratch.
It rains with words here
however they are not just words, they are feelings.
It used to pour with memories
yet they were just heartbeats left behind.
Though drops fall over my soul
I’ve always loved it, for rain reminds me that I’m alive.
Digital art: memyselfandela, 2013
Many people feel isolated and unable to connect with others because of previous negative experiences, depression, shyness or simply because of not finding someone that shares the same interests. In an ocean of personalities we have all some similarities, but no matter how much we resemble, we are unique.
Taking the photograph of this beautiful foxglove reminded me of this uniqueness. Among hundreds of purple foxgloves, this was the only white one. People that are a bit out of the so called “norm” are often not understood or appreciated. Though in my opinion they are the most beautiful and amazing.
100 words, memyselfandela – August 2013
Photo – memyselfandela
I can hear You in every whisper of the wind
And every little grass sings Your name.
And every little flower rejoices in You
Like I can’t anymore.
I don’t need to put my finger in Your Holy rib to believe
For I simply know that You are here.
But I need You to put Your Holy finger in my heart
So I can live again.
Show me how to take a step after another
The way you teach a child how to walk
And in this humble existence,
On my lone path and from this pained soul,
Show me how I can find the shelter of Your peace
So I can return Your smile.
memyselfandela, July 2013
When you read someone like Troy you can’t help but be amazed by the ease and complexity in describing the most intense or painful moments. I have been mesmerized by his cool view on life. So me, dreamer and poet , I could only try to imagine that someone like him would consider writing by my side. It started as a thought, then it became a dream, then a request and then it ended up like a post forged by two minds and souls. I am honoured by his grip on reality added to my dreamer perspective.
Here’s the Duet, actually “The Letter”. And I invite you, after reading this post, to follow As Long As I’m Singing, the awesome blog belonging to an even more awesome Soul, Writer and Father: Troy.
doing so, It once again did what It shouldn’t have done in the first, and glanced at the letter once more.
You have waited for me an eternity
Trying to see me in a million faces
Yet you never could, for it was not the time for us.
Tonight sleep peacefully knowing that the nightmare is over
And that I am on my way to you.
Tomorrow, when you will open your eyes
You will see my eyes mirroring you.
No pain, no chain, not even Death
Will stop me this time.
I thought I saw you millions of times
In millions of lives, my Love.
But every time I lost the illusion
Like a smoke scattered above the frozen waters of my broken heart.
For you were nowhere else but here all the time, waiting for me.
Tomorrow, when you will open your eyes
We will finally start to live.
Let the past die and rise from this tomb of agony
For Tomorrow is here
And I am coming.”
Walking through the valley of changes
I slay my demons, thinking what I have become
One by one they fall by my side , one by one I leave them behind.
I question my steps as I mirror my face in the deep fountain of the past.
Oh how often I drank from these tears…
I must carry on without them till I can drink the morning dew.
I get away, run away, fly away from the darkness within
Nobody there to know how to take my armour off these bleeding wounds
Without making me scream. No wine or oil to pour on my sorrows.
Be still my soul, sigh and listen
You can hear the distant voice of angels
Promissing you the light to guide you back Home.
Expell this endless frown
in a lifelong deportation
drop this demon fate
life is too loud
your burning lips
raw of all the kisses burried
in cold tombs of indifference
if there must be a dark chapter
write the death sentence for your past
in all the black venom letters you can gather
so that your next chapter can shine.
Past. Present. Future.
Let it flow, bloom and shine
Over the heart of time.
Yesterday. Now. Tomorrow
Feel the weight of each day
Let no more waves of sorrow
Fall on your way.
As a new day rises over me I find myself breathing and living and smiling. The level of physical pain I feel is not relevant, the number of tears I have cried also not. My heart is full of Love and Peace. And I am grateful for every single thing that I have experienced in my life, because I finally understand that every single thing was a lesson.
Yes, life goes on. Yes, I have let go. Yes, I have set myself free from all the things and people that have harmed me and have lowered the vibration of my soul by making me suffer. For all those people I have closed the doors left ajar. I have canceled all my dreams related to them. I have forgiven them. And I have let them go on their own paths. No more regrets, no more questions, no turning back, no more torture of my soul. I could not have done this without shutting the doors of my past sad experiences. Without ending the past and making room for a new day. Without drying my tears so that I can smile again.
I have been very busy these past days. Busy working and busy with my feelings and thoughts. Busy listening to my Heart. I did not post much but I have learned incredibly much. I did not write for you my friends, but I did write in the book of my Heart and I did turn the page.
As I was in the depths of sorrow and pain some time ago I was wondering why all this pain happened to me. But these days and the light that has filled my soul have showed me that everything is a flowing process. That there’s no state of permanent pain and no condamnation to sorrow. That rather God closes for us some paths and doors just to open for us the right ones. That we don’t lose anything and anyone in life, but we find ourselves and what is good for us.
I am a deeply religious soul, whoever reads my blog knows this. I have my sins and mistakes but I also have a heart full of love. And I accept humbly all the beauty and Love that God has given me. I always say that God is more present in our lives than we even imagine. And He proved this to me so many times…
If there’s a word for this feeling, it is epiphany, it is the revelation of my complete heart and soul: I am Love.
Much love to you all.
Long time ago I was striving with painting. I have never invested enough time and money in learning how to paint. I had less and less time. Life has taken its toll.
Yet I will always have the eye of an artist, I love beauty in all kinds of forms and I guess I could try to use my humble knowledge to create images that match what I write.
So, starting from tonight, from time to time, next to my poems and translations you will also see digital art. I hope you will enjoy it my dear friends.
Love and blessings to you all.