"Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.."- Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Mother

Challenge – PLAY

 

 

Dear friends,

Feel free to join the challenge. Write a maximum 100 words as a comment or a ping back to your blog starting from the image below.

I wish you all a fabulous day and you are all welcome to PLAY.  :)

Ela.

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” Mommy, I played with the little bottle with red color, I opened it just to smell it but the color wanted to play with me…

Your toys are so much better than mine!!! ”

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33 words, memyselfandela, 2013


Smaller Evil, Greatest Pain

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Have you ever thought how much power your words, simple words, have? Like asking a question that for us seems to be simple or like telling someone a positive word that can change not only their day, but maybe even their life. Have you ever though of this? If not, let me tell you a story so that you will understand better.
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This is the story of a young woman that has dreamed all her life to have a child. Yet, like in any real life story, what one wishes may end up by not being the same thing with what life brings.
When she was very young, Mary has never thought that having a child might ever be an issue. She grew up among children and she loved them all, and her childhood memories were so very unique and beautiful that she knew she must oneday create that beauty for her baby as well.
Yet as she grew up she witnessed situations of young girls having unwanted pregnancies and she heard people talking with a mean passion about those unhappy situations. So as she matured she was rather stressed by the thought of getting pregnant too soon or unmarried. In her heavily religious environment and judgemental society, among neighbours and people that were more than curious about all the pain and all that anyone around does in the constant hunger for sensational and gossip, Mary knew that this is a very delicate issue. A personal issue it should have been, but the world she was living in made it much more complicated than that.
So, because she was a responsible human being and after much thinking, Mary ended up oneday by taking the contraceptive pill. Of course from a religious point of view it was a great sin, and also none of her friends gave her any advice on that . Also her mother was not open minded enough to talk to her about life. And having an unapproachable mother made it not easy for her to take decisions, but she made her choices thinking of choosing the smaller evil.
Years later, after getting married and when she thought it would be time to have a child, Mary gave up on the contraceptive pill. But that day has been only the first day of a life she would have never imagined.
After the time passed she realised that the dream she carried in her soul was slipping away from her, little by little. She understood that something was wrong with her. But at the same time she had to face the mean enquieries and curiosity of a whole cortege of family and friends who were asking her again and again the same idiotic question: “when are you finally going to have a child? Your bloodline will die.” To make things even worst, all her relatives, friends, neigbours and work colleagues were having babies one after another. It seemed like life was making a giant prank on her expense. And every time when she saw other women around holding their children in their arms she felt like dying more and more.
She hoped then that going to a specialist will solve the problem, but that did not happen. Instead she was sent from specialist to specialist and none was good enough to figure out what was wrong with her. Or maybe her dream was not yet meant to come true.
And she gave a serious thought to adoption, but as much as she loved children, not only that adopting was very complicated, but also even without having a child of her own she knew that the bound to a child of her own blood must have been something different and stronger.
After years of battle on her own , as none in her family supported her, Mary ended up by closing in herself and not talking to anyone anymore. She avoided talking to all the people that have hurt her in the past with their lack of sensibility and questions. She left her husband, she kept distance from all the family. She felt like her life was very much doomed and cursed, and so she ended up by burying that loving heart she used to have, to burry it so very deep that she could no longer hear that voice of unspoken pain that she had accumulated over years and years of failing and not being supported in any way.
To Mary this was a wasted life. Little it mattered to her that she helped others or that she cared for people’s pain becuase she knew exactly what pain is.
She used to keep inside long conversations with God and ask for forgiveness for all those years in her life when  she used the contraceptive pill, and she asked for forgiveness for what she considered to be the heaviest sin of her life, a sin that nobody could have erased to release her from the endless curse.
She used to sit in the park sometimes watching the children play, with a heavy heart, with a smile on her face but an endless sorrow flooding her being.
One day, talking about her life to someone, a stranger that knew nothing about her life, she was answered: “You are such a special woman that God still needs a lot of time to create a soul for your child. It takes longer for you than for other women because your child will be the most special gifted little soul you have ever seen, and many will envy you.”
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Here is where the story stops. Little matters what happened next. Life is open and Mary could have seen her dream come true, or maybe she ended up by dying alone and still dreaming of her little child and aching for every year when she grew older on her own.
It is often in life that we cannot come close to understanding someone else’s pain and life struggle, as we can only see with our subjective eyes and understand nothing but our problems. Often we have no sensibility towards other people and their pains.
And we often judge other people’s pain as “not as bad as ours”, because “our pain is the greatest”.
Is this a corect way of seeing life? If we are centered only on what we feel and need and experience and don’t think what sort of feelings we give others, what sort of a life are we living and what are we?

memyselfandela, 2013


Today

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Lazy morning, no big worries, just a plan to go to the city. A day that might start like any other, that could be dull or beautiful. Is it the destiny to decide? Or is it my choice?
Before I go out of the door I want to taste something I had in my fridge, but that I was keeping for “better days”. Yet you know, as I sit here I realise that when we only think in terms of “better days”, “tomorrow”, “soon” or “later”, nothing happens, and often that postponed happiness never comes. It’s like never having the guts to just LIVE and BE HAPPY.
So TODAY I decide that there’s no tomorrow. TODAY is the only day that I have, maybe the last day of my life, maybe the first of the rest of it. So TODAY is the creme brulee day.
When I crack the crust of my creme brulee millions of memories invade my brain and soul. This treat used to be a Sunday treat in the family of my mother, in times when we, children, used to gather in my grandmother’s house and get around the table with an unspoken desire to taste the heavenly sweetness of what my aunt or grandmother had prepared. Only the sight of this steaming beauty used to make me smile at that time.
I remember how it used to be prepared, with fresh eggs from our courtyard hens, fresh milk and care and love, but mostly with a patience that me, the child of that time, did not posess, as for my restless soul the only wish was to taste the result.
Now with my adult mind I remember all that. But I also remember things found out much later. Like the unhappy marriage of my aunt, like the way her husband was beating and abusing her and how she decided to suffer and accept it all for the love of her children, children that also did not treat her right when they were always naughty and mean towards her, copying the ugly attitude of their father towards this woman that in my eyes was nothing but love and patience, just like a saint. She did suffer it all till the last day of her sad painful life because her mother, my grandmother, tought her that “it’s such a shame to divorce, and people talk”.
Now she moved to heaven, life has continued without her battered hands and hard working spirit, without her patience. Maybe now her children regret her, now that their life has no more love and guidance. Now the son that was laughing at his mother hates his father, but that is another story.
When I taste creme brulee I remember life itself. But mostly I remember innocence and childhood. I remember the garden and the columbines I used to pick and how amazed I used to be by all that beauty of free summer days, like a child without worries and with little dreams in the heart, small dreams, full of light, light like the fluffs of dandelions flying around… The age of innocence when every feeling felt so intense, as the feelings were bigger than my tiny heart and they were bursting me with sadness or joy…
And as I sit here and remember all these images coming out of my memories, with sounds, tastes, colours, laughter and tears, I realise what a fragile thing life is, how much a moment can mean and how profound it can be to just sit and remember. I remember all the departed, in an absolute love and gratitude. As I know that they watch over me and all the others left in my family. They are our shining stars , not lost, but living in a dimension connected to ours, and waiting for us to get back to them in memories, to hold them and cherish them until oneday we will meet again.
TODAY is a day for creme brulee. TODAY I  can dive in my childhood, TODAY I am alive, TODAY I embrace life and through life all around. TODAY, even if the sun might not shine outside, it radiates out of my beating heart.

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700 words, memyselfandela, June 2013


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A Mother’s Love

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Love or Loss ?

There are many things one can say about love. We read many, we are told few by our parents, we witness some. Maybe the best and worst lessons are the ones we learn on our own. I have had in my life many people around and I have learned from them a lot. And one of the reasons why I have opened my blog a year ago was to share my feelings, thoughts and experience, I offer the world my blog so that maybe others can have an advice or a spark of motivation in their life in moments when they have none.

I’ve learned how one can live a lifetime with a bad partner only for the sake of the children. Poisonous combination that makes unhappy children. The poor parents think that they save their children, but never think how the poison and unhappiness inside that life together gets deep in their children’s souls. They have no idea how a child hears the most silent fights or senses the lack of love. I’ve seen only two types of children resulting from such unhappy  marriages: either very selfish ones, or too sensitive.
I’ve learned how one can look for love in a multitude of affairs because there’s no love at home. And yet that person never finds that love and the void in their heart grows more and more till it swallows them whole in an endless misery. Because when we only live for ourselves or our satisfaction we can never be happy.
I’ve learned how children that have received love in their childhood were capable of loving with all their heart while other children that  grew up in a violent home without love were not able to love, but gave others the same mess they received. I’ve met both, the kind ones were my friends in school, the bad ones have been the ones that have bullied me and others.
I’ve learned how love can sacrifice so very much just to save someone. I’ve lived and seen this very often, for out of love simple or great things have happened many times around me in this life. From a  door opened for a stranger to a path to healing given to a sick person or to shelter given when least expected in life.
I’ve learned how people can give up their happiness for the sake of their children. The greatest example is my mother, who has never thought of remarrying after the loss of my father and shared her whole life with me, her only child. That makes my mother in my eyes a saint, and maybe nobody has loved more their mother than I love mine. Yet I must say, I absolutely regret that she gave up her happiness, she would have deserved more than so many others to have a man that loves her and supports her in her tough life.
On my skin I’ve learned some lessons I don’t wish to anyone to learn. I’ve learned how much I could love someone that wanted to use me, abuse me, tried to change me or left me. It’s ironic how the kindest people seem to meet the worst, I’ve seen this often in life happening to good people. I have put all of my heart in every love that I shared, but the most painful moment has always been the one when I have lost my trust. When I looked that person in their eyes and tried to live with what they had said or done and could not understand how someone I loved so much could hurt me so and be so selfish and inconsiderate. That moment when your heart shatters, when you feel breathless with pain and betrayed is unspeakable.
How do you know if you’re truly loved? If they find reasons to keep you there but are never there for you, they don’t love you, they only love themselves. If they find pretexts for not doing the right things in that love or never keep their promisses they don’t love you. If they humiliate you, they don’t love you. If they never support you they don’t love you. If they need to put you down just to feel better about themselves they don’t love you. If you draw a line and all you see is pain in that love, you should turn around and go. Have a good look at the way that person makes you feel like. And you will know the answer.
When it comes to love I have found only two conclusions.
* Regardless of all the complications life can have , whoever loves you will climb any mountain, break himself in pieces , sacrifice himself or find the most unexpected solutions to be there for you . They will make you the center of their life and you will feel loved and even if they are not strong or perfect they will still do their best to become better.

If you’re sick, they will try to fix you. If you’re lonely, they will be there for you. If you need time they will give you time and patience. If you cannot trust they will make you trust again.
* Nobody, absolutely nobody deserves your tears. If they make you cry or can stand the simple thought of making you cry they are unworthy of your love.

This goes for the ladies:

You deserve a man that ruins your lipstick, not your mascara. The one that deserves your tears will not make you cry.”

Much love to you all,

Ela.


Carry On

Yesterday I packed my luggage, now I’m ready to go.
I have lived so many things in this house, my first steps, my school, games, laughter, loss and sadness that came years after. Nothing changes our life like the loss of our parents.
As I walk down these stairs I can still see myself for a moment sitting there, waiting for mom to come back from work. I can see that smile on my face and that teddy bear I had in my hand… Sweet memories. But how life has changed…
We must raise from ashes and just carries on.

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100 words, Friday Fictioneers

Photo: copyright – Jennifer Pendergast


The Gravity Of Love

L’amore è forte come la morte
Pulsando forte nel mio cuore
La mia ragione per vivere e l’unica valida
Ragione per morire.

La luce che invade la mia anima
E il sangue nelle mie vene
Tutti parlano di te
Sei il sole nel mio universo, io ruotano nella tua ombra.

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Love is as strong as death
Pulsating in my heart
My reason to live and the only valid
Reason to die.

The light filling my soul
And the blood in my veins
Everything is talking about you
You are the sun in my universe, I revolve in your shadow.

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100 words, memyselfandela, 2013